Today is quite possibly one of the crappiest mornings ever.

I feel lost. I feel wrong. I feel like everything is just not right.

I cried last night while in bed for no reason. I could try to attach reason to it, but that would make it too easy to write off. After crying, I couldn't sleep so i picked up a pen and notebook and wrote for an hour. I felt a little better after writing down everything that I want in life, writing a little about how I feel in my life right now, and wrote a little about what I should do to make the way I feel about life improve.

Then I started watching a DVD my friend Dani gave me and I fell asleep to this video.
This morning I woke up kinda shaky. I recently moved in with two wonderful friends and so I'm figuring out how to get around. It was raining...well, it was pouring. The kind of rain that soaks you like a swimming pool in 5 minutes. That was nice. I enjoy rain. It's cooling and beautiful. It smells like peace and sounds like happiness. I love rain. Quiet joy.

The peace ended as soon as a got to work. I had tons of left over work from being sick on Friday and I didn't get breakfast because I haven't gone shopping for food yet. Then the feelings I had last night that made me start to cry came back. They came something like this....

I'm unsure about whether LISPA is the right program for me, or just the one right now. Is it really going to be a good investment....

In the last four months, I've been accepted to grad school, planning to move to another country, lost my best friend and closest confidant, lost a lover, moved out of my home, had my trust and honor totally offended, reconnected with old friends I haven't talked to in months, connected with new friends I will meet in a month, performed in a dance theatre show that was outstanding and fun, and solidified what I want for my future, esstentially finally understood what my dream is.

Holy Crap. I'm reeling and questioning and excited and sad and happy and worried and confident and weak and strong and violated and secure and....and....and...

Nothing about my life right now is normal, conventional, or boring.

I feel so confused. I feel so lost.....what a shitty morning.